Hindsight is 2020: Our Year-in-Review
Finally.
We have reached the end of 2020! We looked forward to this year, the start of a new decade, with great expectations.
It was, well…not quite what we expected, huh?
Welcome to our annual family review–a look back on our year to document memories and changes, but mostly to connect with our friends and family, “Christmas letter” style. Just as we begin each new year with goals and resolutions, it’s transformative to end an old year well; to reflect on what we’ve learned and how we’ve grown. We don’t always see blessings in the midst of challenges, but events become clearer as we look back.
As the saying goes, hindsight is 20/20.
My Top Five
Many of my regular readers are aware of this year’s happenings through my previous posts. Believe it or not, I have written about happy stuff this year. About becoming a grandma, empty-nest love, the pursuit of peace, and sisters who knit (and are knit) together.
But my top five blog posts for the year tell a different story–one of loss and grief. Here are my most-read stories of 2020:
#5: Grief upon Grief: Walking through the Valley
#4: Life Under the Permacloud: In Search of the LIGHT
#3: COVID: It’s a Matter of Time
#2: Caring for Mom in a World without Dad
#1: A Puzzle of Days: the Life and Legacy of Dad
While several of these focus on the pandemic which took over our lives in March and the sudden loss of my father in July, my “Permacloud” story back in January finds me already searching for sunshine; for peeks of joy in the midst of gray, gloomy days. It’s a theme that ran throughout our year, as we searched for the silver lining during dark days.
Searching for sunshine beyond the clouds. (Or, how we got through 2020.)
I asked each member of my family to share their own “clouds of gloom” and “glimmers of light” from 2020. Here’s what they had to say:
Chloe’s year started on the bright side. In mid-January, she boarded a plane for Dublin, nervous but excited to spend a whole semester in Ireland. On her weekends, she took trips to Belfast, London, and Galway. Then, in early March, she and a couple of friends began their two-week spring break getaway to Budapest, Bratislava, Vienna, and Salzburg. Original plans to visit Italy were rerouted, as the Coronavirus was exploding there. They planned to visit more countries after Austria but with cities shutting down everywhere, they changed their flights and hustled back to Dublin. Chloe’s world went from brilliant to bleak, as the pandemic cloud rolled in and she realized she was going home...only half-way through her semester. (See her amazing travel pics at her photoblog: chloehanstra.com)
Although the cloud of disappointment lingered, Chloe was able to find goodness in the following months. Looking back, she’s thankful for “bonus time” with Mom, Dad, and Leah; for learning how to plant a garden alongside her grandpa just weeks before he died; for becoming an auntie; and for spending time in Minnesota at the lake and then road-tripping to visit her St. Olaf friends.
But 2020 was only halfway over. Darkness descended again with Grandpa’s death in July and then the loss of our precious dog, Jolie, in August. Her senior year at St. Olaf, where she’s majoring in Mathematics and Classics, has been a mixed bag. Rays of sunshine came from reuniting with her nine pod-mates (a.k.a. her “bubble”) and being back in the classroom (at least part-time). But positive COVID tests for 8 out of 10 in her pod (including Chloe) in November, resulted in more anxiety and isolation. Christmas Fest, which she’s been a part of for three years, was canceled, adding to the bitter flavor of 2020. Speaking of flavor, Chloe’s made the best of her bonus time at home with some delicious food experiments! (You can follow her creations at Chloe’s Food Insta.)
Leah spent much of this year under the cloud of waiting. After five and a half years, she took her final college classes this fall! She will serve as a music therapy intern for the next six months in South Bend (IN) before she graduates from Indiana Wesleyan and becomes a certified music therapist. The clouds of waiting are starting to break and she can finally see the light after a long, difficult road to her degree.
Spending much of March and April studying from home (when she had planned a trip to visit Chloe in Europe), and then having very little work this summer brought more waiting, boredom, and restlessness. But rays of sun shone through as she visited her new nephew, helped Grandpa plant his garden, and spent time with her cousins at the lake–much-needed breaks from the monotony of life at home.
She and her boyfriend (who went home to study in Texas) endured the struggles of a long-distance relationship. Once again, she learned that waiting has its rewards as she boarded a plane (double-masked and socially distanced) for a weeklong stay with her BF and his family. She discovered the sun shines brightly (and is very hot!) in Texas in late July!
The fog hasn’t completely lifted from the brains of the new parents, Seth and Maddie. With the addition of Oliver Thomas in late May, they’ve experienced the cloud of fatigue due to sleep deprivation (thankfully, Ollie usually sleeps well). Maddie also struggled with post-partum blues and anxiety, adding stress to her early days as a mother. Still, the tired eyes and gloom all but disappear when the young parents see Ollie’s smile, hear his baby giggles, and witness the joy he brings to everyone he meets. At seven months, he seems to change on a weekly (sometimes daily) basis as he achieves his developmental milestones.
The pandemic has not affected Seth’s job working for Davey Tree, as he measures utility lines and records data all over mid-Michigan. He’s in his element working in the great outdoors, is happy to be climbing the company’s ladder, and enjoys driving the new truck issued to him.
Maddie’s special education teaching job has become either partially or completely virtual over the past months. She doesn’t mind, since working from home has given her more flexibility when Ollie runs a temp or has a runny nose and can’t go to daycare. Speaking of which, Ms. Jeni's in-home daycare has been a great addition to Ollie’s life and a bright ray of sunshine for Maddie and Seth.
Jared began his year working at Indeed and living in Austin (TX). COVID brought on clouds of anxiety and longing for normal life, friends, community, and travel. He missed climbing at the local gyms. His home, which was just beginning to boom as an Airbnb, basically shut down and he found a long-term renter instead. (Luckily, Mom and Dad were able to visit Austin in February before everything changed. We all enjoyed the Texas sunshine and Jared’s great hospitality!)
When his job went fully remote, Jared’s long-time dream of living in Colorado resurfaced. He found a friend with connections on a place to live in Boulder and made the move! Although it was hard saying goodbye to his Austin friends, he has found his new home offers new friends and plenty of sunshine, both figuratively and literally. He has already summited fourteen new 14ers (mountain peaks of 14,000 feet) and is now geared up for skiing! He still owns his home in Austin which he recently relisted on Airbnb. (Check it out if you need a home or loft while visiting Austin!)
Even though he’s far away, we keep in touch. After becoming an uncle, he made the trek home to meet Oliver, a bright spot for him in this crazy year. He also flew home for Grandpa’s funeral in July, mixing the sadness of loss with the thrill of seeing all of his cousins, aunts and uncles. And finally, he drove home for a weeklong stay at Christmas, which brought some joy to us all!
We’ve all dealt with the darkness of some kind of pain this year. Disappointment, waiting, anxiety and fatigue, isolation and loneliness. For Tom, the pain has been physical. His hopes of another full year of biking were dashed when he began having low back pain in late February. As the year progressed, he rode less and less until late summer when he stopped altogether. It was devastating for the guy whose life had revolved around his rides.
Still, he was able to find some light in the darkness. Forced to work from home due to COVID, he replaced his commute time with morning and afternoon walks. Over the past 10 months, he’s logged over 750 miles on his feet! During these months, he’s had physical therapy, steroid shots, and chiropractic adjustments. Finally, in early December, he saw a neurosurgeon, and surgery was scheduled. However, a week before the surgery his disc shifted, causing pain on the opposite side. Surgery was postponed. We are praying the new year brings answers and healing.
Here are Tom’s words regarding his struggles this year: “The disappointment and frustration through all of this have been palpable. It made it hard to focus on anything but my own issues. And yet the timing coincided almost directly with the ongoing pandemic and its devastation. I knew many were hurting and I certainly could relate. I became thankful for the things I could do, while still longing for those I could not. For me, the physical pain parallelled the societal pain all around me. What has gotten me through is God's grace. I know He’s been with me. Whether in pain or in disappointment, I know He will see me through to the other side of this. Just as He’ll see us all through to the other side of this pandemic.”
I have not been unscathed by the wrath of 2020. The cloud of dashed hopes in canceling our dream trip to Ireland and Scotland was only the beginning. Still, having my girls home for an extended stay added a blessing I had not expected. When our church went virtual, the three of us helped prerecord songs for the service. We bickered and giggled our way through way too many takes to get a church-worthy recording.
In May, the skies remained clear as we made a long-awaited visit to my parents and Tom’s mom on Mother’s Day. Later that month was the big event–the arrival of Ollie, making me a grandma! What a miracle and true gift from heaven! He has brought so much joy to all this year. In June, after three months of providing speech therapy through Zoom and Google Classroom, I greeted summer with a huge sigh of relief. We prepared for our annual two-week stay at the lake in Minnesota. With the pandemic at a lull and activities mostly outdoors, it was one tradition we refused to give up!
Half-way through our vacation, the dark clouds of sorrow overtook us. The sudden death of my 86-year-old father after a fall and brain bleed left me and my family reeling. The days and weeks after are a blur to me. The funeral. Staying with Mom. Finding a caregiver for Mom. Though the clouds were thick, the love of family, support of friends, and comfort from God above brought light in the darkness.
I ended my summer with some “Ollie-days” as Maddie went back to her job. Then it was my turn to go back to work, where clear face-masks and plexiglass barriers brought a whole new approach to speech therapy. With the girls back in school, Tom and I enjoyed a few months of empty-nesting again and an autumn weekend jaunt to Frankenmuth (MI).
My life has become hazy and difficult again since the end of October when my mom was diagnosed with cancer and placed in home hospice care. The coronavirus spread through my siblings and me in November which added more complications with caregiving. I will always be grateful for the ten days I spent caring for Mom and the glimmers of light she brought me. I’ve already shared many thoughts about my parents and the journey my family is going through in my earlier blog posts, so suffice it to say, we are all grateful for your thoughts and prayers.
As I said earlier, 2020 was not quite as we expected. We’ve all experienced the clouds of disappointment, waiting, fatigue, anxiety, loneliness, isolation, pain, loss, and sorrow.
And yet.
Our sun still shines. In hindsight, 2020 taught us to appreciate the blessings we had, but so often took for granted. The light comes shining through in the love of family. The reunions with friends. The songs of worship. The achievement of goals. The blessing of healthcare. The hope of vaccines. The joy of new life.
Most of all, it comes through the promise of a Light that shines in the darkness. Born on Christmas day, it is He who lights our path and gives us hope for better days to come.
May you and yours fully experience all that is light in 2021!
“The people walking in darkness have seen a great light; on those living in the land of deep darkness a light has dawned. ”
