Keeping the Spark Alive: Five Secrets to Empty Nest Love
Avoid marital burnout by reigniting that spark.
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“When we entered the empty-nest stage, we suddenly had all the time alone that we had once dreamed of. But even with all this time alone, we discovered it still takes work and intentionality to keep the love light burning.”
“What if we lose that spark?” It was a question that had been on my mind ever since we started talking about marriage.
“We won’t,” he said with confidence.
“But I don’t want to become one of those ‘old’ couples that live together and tolerate each other, but who don’t seem to be in love anymore.” It was my biggest fear in this whole new exciting, but scary, adventure of marriage.
He took my hands. “I promise you. We won’t lose our spark. If we both want it and work at it, it won’t go out.”
And so, we tied the knot.
Keeping the spark ignited in our marriage was hard work. The child-rearing years felt like a bucket of cold water trying to douse it, as we worked to rekindle love in the midst of exhaustion. There wasn’t much time for sleeping, let alone keeping the spark alive in our marriage.
But we were determined.
Through purposefully spending time alone–just the two of us–we kept the home fire burning. At times it was just a glowing ember, but if we took the time to fan the flames, the sparks flew once again. Finding time for ourselves was often the biggest challenge.
When we entered the empty-nest stage, we suddenly had all the time alone that we had once dreamed of. But even with all this time alone, we’ve discovered it still takes work and intentionality to keep the love light burning.
Couples in their later years must tend the marriage flame with purpose. After over 30 years of marriage, we still have to work to keep that spark alive. If you find your marriage love-life growing dim, try these tips to fan the spark into a flame once again.
1) Serve with a smile.
If there’s one thing I’ve learned about my husband after 34 years, it’s that his love language is “Acts of Service.” I know I’m lucky. He’s the kind of guy who brings me a cup of coffee every morning. He does most of the laundry. Helps with grocery shopping. Even helps clean the house. And he doesn’t seem to mind. Yes, I’m spoiled.
I try to reciprocate. Even though it’s not my natural tongue, I can speak “Acts of Service” when I remind myself to do so. But often, after a long day at work as I chop veggies or stir a pot of soup over the stove, my smile is hard to find. I’m being a giver, but not a cheerful one. It’s easy to let complaints and sharp words slip. When spouses give selflessly and cheerfully, time spent together is naturally more peaceful and friendly, bringing warmth to the relationship.
2) Remember, he can’t read your mind.
I used to believe that if I had to tell my husband what I wanted or needed in terms of love, then his giving it to me didn’t count. I wanted to be surprised with roses “just because.” I wanted him to pick up on my very subtle flirtatious moves. If he didn’t bring me flowers or respond as I’d expected, I began to sulk.
Somewhere along the way, I learned that direct communication works ten times better. And when he responds in love, it still counts! He’s in tune with my needs when he knows what they are, and making him guess what I’m thinking really isn’t fair. Taking the manipulation and guessing games out of a marriage and replacing them with forthright and honest conversation will bring deep, abiding love.
3) Put the phones down.
Speaking of communication, let’s talk about devices. Nothing douses a flame more than spouses who stare at their phones when they should be gazing into each others’ eyes. Phones have a way of creeping into our dinners at home and even in restaurants, our family room chats on the couch, and our car rides.
I’m just as guilty as he is on this one. And so, when we want the other’s full attention, we need to ask that phones be put away. We’ve made dinnertime rules for ourselves like we tried when the kids were home. The rule: “No phones at the dinner table” works for a while, but those screens have a way of sneaking back between us. We continue to work on this one. Screen-free hours or even days will allow room for that spark in a marriage. Replacing screen time with real face-to-face time will get the embers glowing again.
4) Say “Alexa, play our favorite song.”
We laughed at the 2020 Super Bowl commercial that showed what life may have been like before “Alexa.” Music has always been a big part of our lives, and with smart devices, it’s easier than ever before to turn on our favorite jams. Whether it’s upbeat tunes to clean the house, bike, or dance to; slow wordless songs to bring peaceful ambiance to our meals, reading, or talking; or romantic love songs to heat up the night–music adds the spice to our life. (Subscribe—for FREE—below to access my Empty-Nest Love Songs playlist in the resource library!)
A study by Sonos and Apple Music found that filling homes with music resulted in a transformation. It brought people together. It connected couples and families and lifted their spirits. It resulted in more love (and more love-making!). If your house feels silent and empty with the absence of the kids’ voices and laughter, try music. It fills the void, creates a mood, and has the power to bring couples together.
5) Go on a date. Or don’t.
You’ve heard the advice throughout your marriage. And if you listened you already know the joy of dating your spouse. There’s no pressure to impress. No question about whether he’ll ask you out again. There’s just the fun of being out, together. But the empty nest brings a whole new slant. Now every night could be “date night.” There’s an abundant amount of freedom and whether you’re at home or out, you could potentially call it a date, right?
But it’s not necessary to put that kind of pressure on yourselves. We’ve found date nights are more meaningful when they’re “special.” Spending non-date nights in quiet proximity to each other can be relaxing and rejuvenating. Let your spouse engage in their interests, be it working out, reading, writing, fishing, knitting, watching Netflix, or even playing video games. Like a fire that needs air to stay alive, your spouse needs breathing room as well. When we support our spouse’s healthy passions and give space for chasing midlife dreams, we allow them to flourish alongside ourselves. Connecting through conversation on a daily basis and then really connecting in a mutual “special” (date-night) activity once or twice a week will allow sparks to fly.
BONUS Tip: Lovin’, Touchin’, Squeezin’
How could I talk about love the week before Valentine’s Day, and not mention kissing? Whether it’s the ritual of a “good-night” kiss or daily “off-to-work” peck-on-the-lips, a habit of connecting physically in this simple way shows tender affection. Want to take it to the next level? Let that kiss linger for just two seconds. (You know. That thing that made your teenagers say “Ewwww!”) It’s funny what a difference those two seconds can make. The love language of touch as you caress a hand, give a squeeze to the shoulders, embrace in a warm hug, or let a kiss linger, may be the message that you both need to hear.
Starting a fire is hard work. It requires wood, kindling, and a spark. But keeping a fire going also takes time and attention. If you don’t tend a fire, add more fuel, and fan the flames, that fire will go out.
Perhaps your marriage, like your nest, feels empty. You remember the days of falling in love and are aware the fire doesn’t burn as it once did. It’s time to tend that fire!
I hope these tips help you re-ignite that spark, fan the flame, and let the fire of love blaze once again between you.
What have you done to keep the spark of love in your empty nest? Leave a comment below!
Note: If the spark in your marriage has already gone out due to old wounds, past problems, or issues that were not dealt with over the years, there’s still hope. If your marriage needs more intense help, please seek a professional (i.e. counselor, pastor, etc.) that can help clear the way for you to fall in love with each other once again.
